


i have loved you (for the last time)

by jnp



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 03:36:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jnp/pseuds/jnp
Summary: "you left."toni shakes her head. she's crying. "i didn't."but toni did leave.you know this.





	i have loved you (for the last time)

"you left."

toni shakes her head. she's crying. "i didn't."

but toni did leave.

you know this.

and you shake your head right back and dig the nails of your right hand into your left bicep.

"cheryl, i-"

"you may leave now. again."

"i've been here all along."

but she wasn't.

you know this.

"the door is unlocked."

toni hangs her head. you can feel yourself start to draw blood. it keeps you grounded. the door taps softly against the frame as toni leaves, and you have to go shut it the rest of the way and lock it behind her so she can't get back in.

you no longer remember where she left you.

you have to shower. wash your face. brush your teeth. this you remember. shower wash brush. then you may sleep. 

but you don't get much sleep, because toni returns in the middle of the night. you wake up and she's sitting on her side of the bed with her back towards you.

"how did you get in?" you ask. 

the door was locked.

you know this.

"i never left," she lies, and you furrow your eyebrows because you know that she knows you watched her leave.

"you did. you left."

toni turns to face you. she's been crying again.

"i wish you would stop that," you tell her, and you turn over and cross your arms and place your nails against the same grooves that you'd left earlier. 

"stop what?" 

"stop crying. stop coming here. i do not want to see you."

"you need to see me."

you press harder into your skin. 

your blood is red.

you know this.

"i do not need to see you."

toni sighs. you lay there until you falls asleep, then wake up to an empty bed.

veronica picks you up the next day and drives you to the same office building that she's been taking you for every week for months. the same woman sits across from you in the black slacks and white blouse that she's always wearing, her tortoiseshell glasses propped at the very end of her nose. 

she tries to get you to talk about the day that toni first left. you keep your mouth shut for the whole forty-five minute session because it is not something you'd like to share. you tell her time and time again that your personal life is none of her business, and time and time again she continues to pry.

veronica insists that you have dinner at her place, and by the time you get home it's late. you drop your house keys into the little bowl in the foyer. toni is sitting on your couch. 

she turns to look at you. she's still wearing the outfit that she had on when she left for good. but it wasn't for good, because she comes back almost every day until you make her leave again or you fall asleep. you think she must need a shower, or a change of clothes at the very least, but she ignores your offers. your conversations never go anywhere.

"why do you keep coming back?" you ask. you're not tired of seeing her. it just hurts.

"i'll always come back, cheryl."

"i don't need you to. i've been doing just fine on my own."

toni smiles sadly. "you have not."

"how would you know? you left."

"i did not-"

"you keep saying that," you say. "you left me here, alone. you knew. you knew that i had no one else."

toni gets up, and she's walking towards you. she reaches out, but you don't touch. you never do. "i am always here, cheryl."

"something has changed."

"i know. and i am sorry."

you reach out to touch her face. you never make contact. she skirts around you. you don't hear the door shut, but you know she's gone.

you remember to shower and wash and brush.

then sleep.

_she's facing you._

_she never turns away, not for a second. and she never sees it coming._

you don't like this dream. you've had it too many times. you never get to finish it, you never learn what is coming.

veronica comes to visit again in the morning. this time she brings archie, and you watch her slip her hand into his and it makes your stomach turn and you don't know why. toni never comes by when you have company. you're thankful for that. veronica would probably have a word with her about the game she's been playing, you think, which is why you haven't told her about the visits in the first place.

"it's been nearly three months, cheryl," veronica says softly. archie is in the kitchen, getting himself a drink. giving you two some privacy. 

"i am well aware, veronica," you tell her. "i'd rather not think about it."

"i feel like you haven't really processed this."

you shake your head. "i have. i'm moving on. please, i would rather not discuss this at the moment."

veronica seems to understand, and she drops the subject just in time for archie to saunter back into the living room with three glasses of water. each has a slice of lemon expertly positioned on the lip of the glass, which is probably what took him so long. you didn't even know that you have lemons. you don't eat much anymore.

they keep the conversation flowing with talk of penelope, who had left thistlehouse after cheryl's bloody confrontation, and nana rose, who mostly keeps to herself. then veronica digs around for the remote and insists they watch at least  _some_ of the friends marathon that's playing on tv.

it's hours before they leave, and then you are free to shower and wash and brush again. 

she's waiting for you when you get out of the bathroom. 

"you're here again."

"cheryl," she says, "you need to let me go." she's mentioned this before, though, and she always returns anyway.

"you keep coming back."

"you keep calling me."

you get into bed and shut your eyes and throw a pillow over your head so you don't have to see or think about toni and how she's sitting so close by. but sleep comes easier knowing she is.

_she's facing you._

_she never turns away, not for a second, and she never sees it coming._

_a sickening look of shock flashes across her face but you don't have to look to know. you heard the gunshot. a fight. ghoulies were all it took._

_then she's bleeding all over you. serpents are gathering. you know that an ambulance is coming, but have no recollection of being told._

_"stay."_

_she's staring straight ahead. you know she doesn't see you._

_when you brush her hair out of her face, your fingers leave behind a streak of red. red. always red. she was trying to reach you. you feel sick. your hands are pressed against the center of her chest and her breathing is slowing and you know all about what a bullet can do. blood pumps between your fingers._

you're half awake now, and how can her heart be slowing when you're practically on top of her, pressing your face into the crook of her neck right against her pulse point? you hear every beat and you count them by twos. her hand wanders up and down your back, drawing lazy shapes into your t-shirt.

her movements slow, but her heartbeat is still there.

she's falling asleep, but her heartbeat is still there.

stronger than ever.

it's still there.

_the rhythm falls off suddenly._

_you're praying. you haven't been to church in years, but you're begging to god that he save her. you offer your life instead._

_"please," you mumble. "i was just falling in love."_

_fangs is right there beside you, but he's no longer pressing against her wound. his hands wander up to her neck and leave prints of blood around her throat. then he lets go altogether, and he's punching the ground and yelling and it scares you._

_you're pulled away by your forearms._

_"get off me," you snap. "can't you see? i need to keep the pressure. i'm trying to save her."_

_"cheryl. there's nothing you can do."_

you wake up alone.

it's been three months.

toni won't come back.

you know this.

**Author's Note:**

> my first time publishing anything i've written, please leave any comments or critique that you may have!


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